Saturday, June 18, 2011

Aching heart

You just don't get it! You don't get it, do you? I love you, I want nothing but your good, your growth, your joy, your forever happiness. I want it so much that I will do anything, anything for that to happen, even make myself invisible and cut you off and remove myself from your life. Because if I don't, you will never grow, you will rely on me to a degree that is unhealthy and you will be forever trapped within this self-perpatuating cycle of dependency. But this kills me. You have no idea how much it kills me.

Every time you take a step, a risk, a move forward, step into your destiny, I want to reach out and rejoice with you, celebrate it all with you. But I cannot. Because then it will start all over again, your recriminations, your accusations that I wasn't there for you, that I only what something for myself, that I don't love you, your cries of "Where WERE you?". But OH! If only you knew how close I am really am and much my heart aches for you. It aches when you doubt my love for you, when you question my intentions, my actions. If it could be any other way, I would do anything to have it any other way. But it has to be this way. The pain of it, the separation, is a necessity like a surgeon's knife that slices into the aorta to save a life.

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