Most depressing blog award..

..goes to me! Haha. Looking back over my posts, it seems that they are super-depressing and woe-is-me and I really want to change that. And I think I'm unpleasantly surprised at how morose my inner life seems to be, at how sombre and serious it is all the time. You probably wouldn't guess it from my demeanour or my actions and behaviour; I love to laugh and I am surrounded by people who make me laugh, all. the. time. And yet behind the laughter, I seem to be churning on the inside and honestly, my brain never stops. My mind is constantly analysing and re-working and remembering and hypothesising and predicting and regretting and I wonder, is it just me?

I'm waiting for the moment, or the time when things are going so well that I don't feel the need to do all that tiresome internalising, but I have a sneaking suspicion that 'that time' will never come. I mean, how can it? I know myself well enough to know that I will inevitably find some unseen or unknown aspect of my life that I can ponder on and use as a basis for worst-case scenarios.

How do I get out of my own head? More than anything though, how do I not freak out about the very real prospects of a loved one ruining their life, and my powerlessness in the face of it? Ultimately, I know freedom comes from surrender. Surrendering any sense of control that I might get from my worrying and over-analysing will release me to truly live, live in the very real now moments of time.

Bursts of inspiration

The sacred, the divine, the life-force is going on about us all through our ordinary and seemingly mundane days. But don't expect it to simply overwhelm you without your first seeking it. Like the waves that lap incessantly at the shore, you will not feel the waters touch until you physically place your feet at the edge of the sand. And all the while, there are others, multitudinous others who have been frolicking and splashing there since before you were born. It laps, abounds, reverberates all about us, while we smoke and dance and pray and drink...it is there all the while. He is there all the while. Step into it.

When we desecrate or seek to be 'sacrilegious', we are actually acknowledging and extending the power of the very sacred thing you wish to defile. By trying to be offensive or taboo, you simply join the eternal orchestra that cries and points to something transcendentally beautiful and wholly Other. It would not be shocking or effective if the thing being mocked wasn't universally seen as holy or sacred.