Thursday, July 14, 2011

Most depressing blog award..

..goes to me! Haha. Looking back over my posts, it seems that they are super-depressing and woe-is-me and I really want to change that. And I think I'm unpleasantly surprised at how morose my inner life seems to be, at how sombre and serious it is all the time. You probably wouldn't guess it from my demeanour or my actions and behaviour; I love to laugh and I am surrounded by people who make me laugh, all. the. time. And yet behind the laughter, I seem to be churning on the inside and honestly, my brain never stops. My mind is constantly analysing and re-working and remembering and hypothesising and predicting and regretting and I wonder, is it just me?

I'm waiting for the moment, or the time when things are going so well that I don't feel the need to do all that tiresome internalising, but I have a sneaking suspicion that 'that time' will never come. I mean, how can it? I know myself well enough to know that I will inevitably find some unseen or unknown aspect of my life that I can ponder on and use as a basis for worst-case scenarios.

How do I get out of my own head? More than anything though, how do I not freak out about the very real prospects of a loved one ruining their life, and my powerlessness in the face of it? Ultimately, I know freedom comes from surrender. Surrendering any sense of control that I might get from my worrying and over-analysing will release me to truly live, live in the very real now moments of time.

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